(S.C.U.B.A. stands for "Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus." I hear that's on the test.)

I want to learn to scuba dive because I’m a Cancer, which apart from ruling the fourth house of the zodiac, means I like water. Symbolized by the crab, Cancer is the water sign. Um, stop… who am I kidding… I can’t continue down that line with a straight face.

Actually, I want to learn to scuba dive because (and this is totally true) I once had the natural ability to breathe underwater. Really. I didn't need a mechanical breathing apparatus. I didn't need an artificial flow of oxygen. Like gills, my lungs were capable of extracting oxygen from fluid that I breathed in. It was amazing. I was practically a fish.

But after a brief nine months, that gift was savagely and irreparably robbed from me. So now, many years later, I long to return to my amniotic past, be submerged in weightless tranquility, and breathe life from within water. And since nature’s deficient design didn’t equip me with permanent saltwater gills, I’ll settle for scuba.

[June 2002]